Riding the waves of grief

Now that I am riding a high on the wave of grief and in a good space I figured it was the perfect timing to write about it. Last year on October 21, 2021 I had to make the decision to let my little soulmate, my little fluffy boy Otis go and cross over the rainbow bridge.

That was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Playing god just felt absolutely horrible and not right, it killed me to think of having to take Otis from this earth even a minute sooner than what god had planned for him. So I prayed, I prayed so much and just asked god to let me know when it was time.

In the midst of his chemo treatments he still had good days, and it was in those good days I always held onto hope, although I knew his cancer had spread throughout his body and was in his lymph nodes, I held on to the hope I would still have more time. The doctor had said it could be months or maybe a year or two that he could live after he had surgery in April to remove a huge tumor on his front leg and us receiving the cancer diagnosis. I was hoping for the later option, maybe another year or two with him. But then he started having more bad days and then just not eating at all and quite rapidly new little tumors started appearing on his face, his stomach. He was just laying around, no longer living, just surviving. And I knew it was time. I felt a sudden sense of peace one morning over my mind and soul and I called his doctor and it was scheduled for a few days out.

Taking him that morning felt surreal. I knew it was the last car ride, the last time I would see him physically, last time I could pet him and tell him, “Momma loves you”. I remember sitting with him in the room for about 20 minutes, and just talking to him and I replayed a Brett Young cover of the song Hallelujah as we just spent time together. Then when I felt peace and calmness, I had the doctor give him his shot.

The first few months without him just felt so weird. I recall one day I was grocery shopping, well trying to and I stood in one aisle just starring into space and confused as to what I was even doing in there, I ran out to my car and just bawled my eyes out. It came in waves those moments, I didn’t suppress them or judge them, I allowed them to just be even though they hurt like hell.

It hasn’t felt fully real up until now that the 1 year is coming up. For some reason it feels like the 1 year is making it real, it is solidifying that for the rest of my life this is something that will be counted, just a reminder of his passing, … 1 year without him…2 years without him, etc.

Also, the grieving has hit me hard this past month or so as the 1 year is coming up. Its wild, some days I feel like I am in a time warp. Like I am transported back to this exact time last year.

I am hit with random flashbacks of conversations with the doctor, being there at the doctor, vivid memories of everything with Otis. His days when he was sick from the chemo and wouldn’t want to eat, so I would spend all day trying to entice him with cheese, eggs, treats, chicken, anything and everything to try to get him to eat. Or his days when he felt good and he would dance in excitement to eat. The way he walked around like if he was Eeyore lol. Or the times I would talk to my friends about it and just break down.

They all knew how much I loved him and what he meant to me and they knew he was special. I am not being biased here, literally everyone that would meet him just felt his sweet and kind soul. I mean just look at his excitement in 2019 when he met Santa.. lol..

I myself can’t explain it, but the moment that Vegas Pet Rescue Project put up a photo of him on their Facebook page saying he was up for adoption, I felt something in my soul, I connected with him immediately and I reached out. From the first day he came over for a visit, him and Riley ( my other rescue pup) got along immediately and played, they became brothers and friends right away! It was meant to be.

Otis was rescued from a dog meat trade in China and came all the way to Las Vegas and ended up with me. God knew what Otis needed and quite frankly he knew what I needed as well. Otis needed someone that would care for him unconditionally and love him unconditionally and have extreme patience with him as he learned to be a dog after his past trauma. And I needed my heart to be opened and experience love and pure joy. He came into my life at a time that I needed him. We needed each other.

Life without him doesn’t fully feel right. When I have these moments that hit me and I just think about him and the 2 ½ years I was able to have him it just hurts so damn bad that he isn’t here anymore, but then I am also hit with immense gratitude that I was able to experience this love and grateful that I was the one that was chosen to be his momma, to help heal him, protect him and love him for time he had left to be here.

Sometimes the memories make me cry like a baby, and other times they make me smile and laugh. And truly all of it is ok. I don’t judge myself or put pressure on myself to “be ok”. In the past I would have suppressed feelings and ran away from them. This time in my life I am allowing myself to feel and just be. I know that as time goes by it will get easier.

I know days there will be a day when his memories will make me smile more than they make me cry and its ok. The fact that there is this much pain and hurt just means that I loved and I loved hard.

Going through the grieving process is never easy and it truly is different for everyone. Time heals all wounds and I know I will look back on all of this one day and it wont hurt as bad. For now I am just allowing myself to feel. Feeling and healing and not trying to run or distract myself.

And now he is in a better place where his body isn’t filled with cancer. He is laying around probably eating as it was his favorite past time for sure lol. Definitely a chunky boy! The sweetest chunkiest boy to ever exist Momma loves you and misses you Otis.