26 Sep Accepting and loving my body 💕
Every now and then I get hit with big waves of gratitude for my healing journey. Today is one of those days.
Today specifically has been very reflective on my journey with loving my body and accepting my body.
I remember so vividly the days of obsessing over calories, extra cardio, intense workouts, not eating enough, and always looking in the mirror and talking down to myself. I always looked in the mirror and criticized my legs or my stomach and then turned to the media and compared myself. In my mind I was never thin enough, in my mind, my legs were too big, my stomach was too big, and I just wasn’t beautiful and good enough.
Sometimes my days would consist of two workouts a day, and not eating enough calories in the day to sustain my workouts. I also developed a fear of foods. In my brain if I ate one piece of chocolate or had a carb, it would make be gain 5 pounds. I always lived in fear of certain foods and restricted myself of a lot. If it said low fat, fat free, sugar free, calorie free…that’s what I would go for.
Other days I would be in such a negative space about my body and not being happy with it that to be honest, I would binge. It was a vicious cycle that I was in.
And I kept turning to social media and comparing. It seemed that being extremely thin was accepted and celebrated and if you were anything other than that, well then you weren’t going to be pretty or pretty enough.
I never openly talked about this with the people in my life because I felt shame around it or like I would be judged and just not understood. In fact, I know some of my friends reading this will be surprised because I never talked about this part of my life. I am sure though they might have had an indication or thought it, but just never verbalized it. Because looking back I was extremely thin, like not healthy thin! Honestly, part of me was just scared too. I knew deep down that it was not good and not healthy but then if I talked about it, I knew I would have to stop.
As long as I was small that’s all that mattered. I could control it and I would.
And then life happened. My health started taking a turn, slowly and then very rapidly.
In 2018 I was at my lowest point with my health. That was the true catalyst for me. My eye opener. My soul shaker.
For the first time in my life, I was faced with choosing my health over beauty and it broke me down. I had many break downs over this because living most of my life with the complete opposite mindset it just didn’t make sense and I was scared to give it up. But I came to the realization that my health and my well being and healing came before what I looked like on the outside and that I would be truly loved and accepted for ME regardless of what the outside was. It was who I was to my core that at the end of the day mattered and I didn’t see it that way before.
I did many daily affirmations about loving my body and accepting my body. I prayed a ton and constantly talked to God. I read blogs. I found accounts on IG accounts that helped and connected with people and was very open about my journey and what I was going through with them.
I came to a place of immense peace within myself. For the first time in my life, I could boldly say I love my body. I accept my body.
As with everything new in life, it was baby steps.
Standing in front of the mirror and telling myself “I love you” was step 1.
Weeks passed, months passed and now it’s been years. I don’t count calories anymore. I don’t over exercise. I listen to my body and give it rest when it needs it. I live a balanced life with food, if I want a burger one day I eat a burger, if another day I want smoothies all day, then I just have smoothies. I intuitively eat and just listen to my body. I do not restrict myself and that has also helped in breaking the cycle of binge sessions.
I can see another woman today and not compare myself to her or wish I had anything she had. I celebrate her beauty as well as I celebrate my own. We are all unique and that’s the way it was meant to be.
I might have moments here and there that a thought might try to creep in and I want to start picking myself apart but I don’t entertain it and let it take over. I am hyper aware of my triggers and sometimes If I find myself starting to compare with people on social media and mindlessly consuming certain content about diets or workouts, I unfollow. I notice my thoughts more and I am just more in tune with myself.
I have also started having more conversations about this which helps to release the power that it had over me. When we speak things out loud, we take away its grip and control. I know there is power in sharing, because like me, I know there are people out there experiencing or have experienced this same thing.
We are all capable of healing and we don’t have to live in shame or fear. We all deserve to experience freedom, peace, and bliss.
If you are in the middle of this struggle, I will leave you with a few affirmations and just know that this too shall and will pass and there is healing on the other side, it is coming!
I am beautiful
I am healthy
I love my body
I accept myself exactly as I am
I am f*cking amazing 😊
Talk about synchronicities! As I finished up this post the Meghan Trainor song Babygirl just came on my play list! The beginning lyrics of the song, “ Love yourself, love yourself”
xoxo
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